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CanadianCook's picture

tough (post #49287)

this sounds weird, especially writing this here to people i don't really know, but i'm not sure i can do this.


it's tough to explain this depression - how tired i am explaining it, of talking about it. How much I dislike myself. How sick I am of the help. Of needing help. How I know I couldn't go back into the hospital.


I just keep thinking how they'll be fine if I weren't around. I'm on a stupidly high dose of anti-depressants, a team of doctors, psychiatrists, med students, it just doesn't work. I'm too tired of it. Of fighting. I really am trying, but really am tired of it. Tired from fighting. I obviously feel guilty about my baby. but can't stand it anymore. And have tried everything including the ER and hospital I can't do it anymore.


Jeff



Ahhh Laaaa Laaaa Ahhhhh Laaaaa -


Sage, January 2007


 


Edited 1/10/2008 10:39 pm ET by CanadianCook

Ahhh Laaaa Laaaa Ahhhhh Laaaaa -

Sage, January 2008

 

AJ12754's picture

(post #49287, reply #1 of 232)

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time Jeff -- please believe me when I say that the people who love you won't really be fine if you aren't around.  It sounds like you have fought heroically so far -- is there someone you can call tonight just to talk -- or not talk if you don't feel like it?

The trouble today is that almost everyone is famous and almost no-one is interesting. (paraphrased Tina Brown)

Cave obdurationem cordis

bjb0777's picture

(post #49287, reply #2 of 232)

Jeff..listen to me..you are not alone..there are people who can help..you may not have found the right combination of things..professionals/ medications/support. Please for yourself and your family..especially that dear Sage.. do not despair. There is light. I am a nurse who has worked in the field for many years..please reach out..there are many to help, hold ,hug, listen,share.Please e-mail if you would like. hang in..there can be light! Barb

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #3 of 232)

JEFF. GET HELP NOW.


Call a helplilne. Get some place. Do not think that we or anyone else can do without you.


You may not understand it but you MUST MUST persevere. I don't care what you have to do. YOU HAVE TO LIVE.


Gretchen
Gretchen
Jean's picture

(post #49287, reply #4 of 232)

Jeff, check out this site.  Now.



Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
bjb0777's picture

(post #49287, reply #9 of 232)

THAT IS A WONDERFUL SITE JEAN. BARB

MadMom's picture

(post #49287, reply #5 of 232)

Jeff, no one, believe me, will be better off if you're not around.  Get help, immediately.  Call someone.  Do whatever it takes, and someday when you look at your beautiful son as he graduates from high school or college, you will be glad you persevered.



Not One More Day!
Not One More Dime! Not One More Life! Not One More Lie!

End the Occupation of Iraq -- Bring the Troops Home Now!

And Take Care of Them When They Get Here!

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #6 of 232)

Jeff. Look at that wonderful child.
It made my day with smiles to see those pictures.


Look at your wonderful wife.


You don't need to live for them--you need to live for yourself so they will know you. So that beautiful child will know you.


Get out of where you are. Call ANYONE.


JEFF    LIVE.


Don't give up!!


Gretchen
Gretchen
Geoffchef's picture

(post #49287, reply #7 of 232)

You still want help, you still want to make it - that's why you've come here. We don't really know you any better than you know us, but we will all feel a loss if you are gone. You are part of this community.
Slow down. Hug your baby. Call a help line.

 


ADAM'S APPLE, n.
A protuberance in the throat of man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary


 

 

ADAM'S APPLE, n.
A protuberance in the throat of man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary

 

dorcast's picture

(post #49287, reply #8 of 232)

Go look at your beautiful son, he absolutely will not be "fine" without you.

There are so many meds and types of treatments, you will find one that works for you - and yes it is tiring. Please stick with it, and find someone you can talk to tonight.

wonka's picture

(post #49287, reply #10 of 232)

The people left behind are not better off without you. My best friend killed herself 16 years ago. I still miss her everyday. Her family completely fell apart. Your beautiful baby needs to know the loving father that you are. What everyone else has been saying, find a hotline right now and start talking to someone.  You will find the right meds, treatment with time. Don't give up on yourself.

Beebs's picture

(post #49287, reply #11 of 232)

<I just keep thinking how they'll be fine if I weren't around. >

They WON'T be fine if you're not around. They will be suffering the effects of your suicide for the rest of their lives. PLEASE do whatever you can to fight those feelings. Your family needs you!

Sandy

bjb0777's picture

(post #49287, reply #12 of 232)

JEFF ARE YOU STILL IN TORONTO AREA..HELP IS AVAILABLE. BARB

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #13 of 232)

JJEFF, CALL SOMEONE/ANYONE  IN TORONTO.


SOMEONE IN TORONTO CALL HIM.


DO NOT DO THIS.


Gretchen

Edited 1/9/2008 9:38 pm ET by Gretchen


Edited 1/10/2008 8:54 am ET by Gretchen

Gretchen
bjb0777's picture

(post #49287, reply #15 of 232)

I have e-mailed him with my phone no. Barb

Marie Louise's picture

(post #49287, reply #14 of 232)

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful.

Of course many people would miss you!!!

Please don't give up. You reached out to us, I am hoping that you will reach out to someone locally who can help you.

KitchenWitch's picture

(post #49287, reply #16 of 232)

Jeff, I hope you are okay.

Let me echo what the others have said - they will not be fine if you aren't there.
And I do know this for a fact because my dad was a suicide. I'm still not fine.
I struggle with it everyday, and it was over 30 years ago. So do my siblings.


I know you are tired, but you gotta make it. you have to.


~RuthAnn
foom!


~RuthAnn

TracyK's picture

(post #49287, reply #17 of 232)

Jeff, I really hope you are OK. There are lots of people here and elsewhere who care about you, who would NOT be fine without you. Please get some help, reach out to someone.

CT poster in bad standing since 2000.

Heather's picture

(post #49287, reply #18 of 232)

My dear friend's husband killed himself about 5 years ago--the whole family fell apart. They miss him so much and blame themselves for not seeing the signs, not being able to help, not being enough for him. His kids were adults and are afraid of relationships, afraid of caring. They need him, just like your wife and darling baby boy need you.

I'm sure he must have thought they would be better off without him, but it just isn't true.

Please get help! I know you feel that you have tried everything, but please hang on and try one more thing, one more friend, one more doctor.

AJ12754's picture

(post #49287, reply #19 of 232)

Please let us hear from you -- I just saw the photo of you and your beautiful son and I KNOW he must be a great joy to you ... hang tough and things WILL be better. 

The trouble today is that almost everyone is famous and almost no-one is interesting. (paraphrased Tina Brown)

Cave obdurationem cordis

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #20 of 232)

HEY JEFF WE NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU.


KEEP TALKING TO US.


TELL US -- OR SOMEONE==WHAT YOU ARE DOING


IT AIN'T WORKING FOR US TO BE WITHOUT YOU


 


Gretchen
Gretchen
avak123's picture

(post #49287, reply #21 of 232)

Jeff,


I echo what everyone else has said.


Sage desparately needs his Daddy!


Amy

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #22 of 232)

JEFF, ALL WE NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU RIGHT NOW IS THAT YOU HAVE HEARD HOW MUCH YOU NEED TO BE HERE.


DON'T BE SHY. COME ON. TELL US YOU ARE OKAY. THEN WE CAN GO TO BED--AND YOU CAN TOO.


TOO MANY PEOPLE NEED YOU. DON'T GIVE UP.


Gretchen
Gretchen
Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #23 of 232)

C'MON JEFF.WHERE ARE YOU. YOU POSTED FOR US TO LISTEN. WE'RE HERE!!

Gretchen

Gretchen
mer's picture

(post #49287, reply #24 of 232)

Jeff, you are not alone. You have a wonderful life and a beautiful family that is worth fighting for. They love you. We know that you are tired of fighting, but you need to fight. Don't worry about where you are going to get the energy to fight, but you must keep fighting.

I fought depression for about 10 years. Fortunately, I have been about 5 years now without the nightmare of depression, but when I was in the heavy, deep fog of despair, it was impossible to see for myself what reality was. At one point, I had to admit that I was no longer trustworthy to myself and that for my sanity, I could no longer trust my own emotions. One night, I hit bottom and decided that I would do whatever it took to never ever ever be in that place again. I knew that I would beg, borrow, steal and fight to get out of that hell-hole. You need to find a reason to fight. You have many reasons. Just focus on one or two amazing things in your life. Ignore the crap. Take your medicine. Talk to anyone who will sit still for a minute. Talk to the med students, the doctors, the shrinks, etc. You need to fight.

Call your wife. Call a friend. Call a crisis center. Call your neighbor. Call anybody. You need to talk with somebody.


Edited 1/9/2008 10:31 pm ET by MER

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #25 of 232)

Jeff. LISTEN. Don't do anything.


It will be OK. PLEASE believe us.


Gretchen
Gretchen
Geoffchef's picture

(post #49287, reply #26 of 232)

Jeff I just realized that you posted about getting reservations for Winterlicious, and were very happy about it, less than 2 hours before posting this. Man you are on a mood swing or a medication dropoff. Call your doctor at home, or the hospital or whoever you have to to get balanced out. Don't blow this.

 


ADAM'S APPLE, n.
A protuberance in the throat of man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary


 

 

ADAM'S APPLE, n.
A protuberance in the throat of man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary

 

Gretchen's picture

(post #49287, reply #27 of 232)

Buck up there boy. That sweet little thing needs you. Your wife needs you. Don't be silly. It's too important. YOu cannot give  up now. YOU just can't. YOU CAN do one more day. I promise. Do one more hour.

Gretchen


Edited 1/9/2008 11:01 pm ET by Gretchen

Gretchen
Marcia's picture

(post #49287, reply #28 of 232)

Jeff, I echo what everyone here has said. Get help NOW.

It feels like there's no way out right now, but I promise you there is. You have to make a supreme effort and keep trying. Please.

msm-s's picture

(post #49287, reply #29 of 232)

Jeff, what are you feeling guilty about in regard to your amazing little boy?
If you'll just come back and share that with us, i bet we can put that guilt out of your mind, because we all make mistakes and learn parenthood as we go along.
Frankly, having a newborn baby is downright scary. It gets easier though, trust us!
There's some stuff you should really read about new babies. i'll try to find it and post tomorrow evening.

Here's the thing- babies don't care about our mistakes. All your child wants and needs is for you to hold and cuddle and love him.

CookiM0nster's picture

(post #49287, reply #30 of 232)

Jeff, talk to someone. I know you reached out to us. Reach out to others too. Call a crisis line, call a friend, talk to your wife, talk to Sage, who, even though he's too young to understand what you;re saying still recognizes the sound of your voice and will be comforted to hear it.

You need to live, for yourself, so you can watch your new child grow and change and become a man, and for him and your wife, whose lives will be sadder and harder without you.

Those first few months with a new baby are extremely tough - they're exhausting, stressful, and emotionally draining. Remember that, and that however you feel now, it will be better soon. Just hang in there, and talk to those doctors an nurses. You are not a burden to them, they have chosen to help you. It is their calling.

And most of all, check in with us. I think Gretchen is ready to drive up to Chicago personally!