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Shocking but (imo) VERY funny joke

evelyn's picture

I'm in the corner already, so what the heck?  Anyway, I figure if anyone's ever read any of those trashy, historical romances available in finer drugstores everywhere, then they'll be used to this kind of descriptive...


After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. 
 
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.


He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. 
 
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. 
 
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. 
 
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
 
 "I found the remote," he said. 
 



The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)


Edited 7/28/2008 10:28 am by evelyn

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #1 of 21)

oh, and because I'm always wary about overstepping boundaries, and I'd hate to make ANYONE feel uncomfortable, just tell me to stop getting myself into trouble. ;-)


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
roz's picture

(post #50591, reply #2 of 21)

No don't stop! I laughed out loud and just emailed the joke to my DH...he said he'll tell it at the gym!

Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Do your best. Don Miguel Ruiz
Gretchen's picture

(post #50591, reply #3 of 21)

That is hilarious!!

Gretchen

Gretchen
thecooktoo's picture

(post #50591, reply #4 of 21)

Already copied it and sent it with appropriate attribution to my entire e-mail file.


Very funny, don't quit!


Jim

PeterDurand's picture

(post #50591, reply #5 of 21)

I am glad I did not have a cup of coffee in my mouth. Too funny.

 


Better life through Zoodles and poutine...

evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #7 of 21)

how do you get an entire cup in your mouth? ;-)

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
FitnessNut's picture

(post #50591, reply #6 of 21)

Giggle, giggle.

Sent it along to my DH....its sure to give him a chuckle too. Thanks.

Follow your bliss ~~ Joseph Campbell
Follow your bliss ~~ Joseph Campbell
soupereasy's picture

(post #50591, reply #8 of 21)

I knew the punchline before I got to the end.That is too funny!;)

evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #9 of 21)

funny cause it's true.  What is with men and remotes?



 


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
soupereasy's picture

(post #50591, reply #10 of 21)

Beats me, mine has 3 remotes and sometimes he forgets which one goes to which machine!:)

evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #11 of 21)

oh, and when the batteries are running real low, does he slap the remote against his leg or does he change the batteries before they're good and dead?


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
soupereasy's picture

(post #50591, reply #12 of 21)

Batteries usually die when I try to use it. I have killed more than one remote by throwing it across the room and swearing at it! (Not kidding)


Never seen him do the leg slapping thing with a remote.

Rhea's picture

(post #50591, reply #13 of 21)

still laughing...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks :)

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

bookwyrm73's picture

(post #50591, reply #14 of 21)

That's awesome!


Here's one for you:


A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.  He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."


A library is not a luxury but one of the necessities of life.
Henry Ward Beecher

A library is not a luxury but one of the necessities of life.
Henry Ward Beecher

soupereasy's picture

(post #50591, reply #15 of 21)

LOL! That was funny!

evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #16 of 21)

that's hilarious!  :-)

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
paretsky's picture

(post #50591, reply #17 of 21)

Well, OK. If we're telling jokes that could get us kicked off of the board, I might as well contribute my own:

Little Johnny was in class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question: "If there are six birds sitting on a fence, and I shoot one of them, how many are left?"

Johnny quickly replies, "None. As soon as you fire your gun, the rest of the birds will be spooked by the noise and fly away."

His teacher responds, "Actually, the correct answer is five. But I like the way you think."

"OK," says Johnny. "I have one for you then. There are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One of them nibbles daintily at the top of the ice cream, one of them licks all around the sides of the ice cream, and one bites the bottom off of the cone and sucks the ice cream out through it. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes bright red, but refuses to be bested by one of her students. After thinking about it for a moment she says, "I guess it's the one who licks all around the sides of the ice cream."

"Wrong," answers Johnny. "It's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

"Light the lamp, not the rat! Light the lamp, not the rat!!"
Rizzo the Rat, A Muppet Christmas Carol

"Light the lamp, not the rat! Light the lamp, not the rat!!"
Rizzo the Rat, A Muppet Christmas Carol

avak123's picture

(post #50591, reply #21 of 21)

Love it! :-)

bobbys's picture

(post #50591, reply #18 of 21)

My remote is not lost but im gonna go look for it right now;].

wit any luck it will take me a long time to find it;]

evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #19 of 21)

you're incorrigible! (and I know you know what that means :-) )


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.
evelyn's picture

(post #50591, reply #20 of 21)

and I notice a marked improvement in your written English.  Only one forgotten apostrophe and two spelling 'mistakes'.  bobby, you're a changed man. ;-)


The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. (unknown)

In life, learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly.