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My son's teacher is an alien

Biscuit's picture

I swear, being the mother of a 5 year old is full of endless challenges they never ever tell you about in any of those stupid books they publish.  A pox on all of those parenting books, I say!


So - my son's teacher is an alien.  No joke.  Max came home from school Friday, said he doesn't want to go to school anymore because his teacher is an alien.  Okay, go ahead, laugh.  But he really thinks she is an alien.  Wanna know why? 


Because (a) he's BIGGER than the REAL Mrs. C_____.  (b) the real Mrs. C_____ used to walk around the class while they worked and see what they were doing - not now.  Now he tells you to come to her desk when you are done to show her what you are doing.  She sits a lot.  (c)  She goes into the bathroom a lot.  She is probably in there using  a polymorphic portion to keep her disguise up (thank you, J.K. Rowling and yay!  for me ince I let him watch the bloody thing!), but she's not doing a very good job cause she's BIGGER than the real Mrs. C_____ (see fact (a), above) and (d) she is just acting strange, like she's keeping secrets.  Max KNOWS when someone is keeping secrets.  (insert eye-roll here...)

You should all know that Mrs. C_____ is pregnant, and has chosen NOT to tell her class of Kindergarteners until after the winter break because pregnancy lasts a long time and she'd like to tell them closer to her due date (March).  Seems Mrs. C_____ didn't take into account that Max is wonderfully observant, and would, of course, draw the wrong conclusion about the changes that are being wrought with her being - namely, that she is probably an alien.

Do you know what its like to try and convince a 5 year old that his favorite teacher is NOT an alien and that it will be perfectly safe to go to school on Monday?  Do you????????

Now, instead of cleaning my house tomorrow like I should be doing, I need to make it to school and get an audience with Mrs. C______ and have a chat.   Hopefully she will talk to him and talk him out of becoming the country's first kindergarten drop-out.


Okay - I should go do the dreaded dishes.  Dammit.  And I'm out of wine.


Edited twice to fix grammar and format error associated with having too much wine.



Mama, I'm just a factory of love!  Know why?  Because no matter how much love I make and give you, I'm always making more!  That's what a factory does, so I'm a Factory of Love! - Max


Edited 12/10/2006 9:04 pm ET by Biscuit


Edited 12/10/2006 9:07 pm ET by Biscuit

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."  - George Bernard Shaw

meowow's picture

(post #46660, reply #1 of 49)

Hilarious!!

MadMom's picture

(post #46660, reply #2 of 49)

I love it!  You cannot say Max doesn't have a vivid imagination and a creative bent...I'm sure Mrs. C___ will have a good laugh about this one.



Not One More Day!
Not One More Dime! Not One More Life! Not One More Lie!

End the Occupation of Iraq -- Bring the Troops Home Now!

And Take Care of Them When They Get Here!

Biscuit's picture

(post #46660, reply #5 of 49)

Yea, I hope so.  Unless her pregnancy hormones kick in and she breaks down and cries in great, heaving sobs all over me.  Then what the **** am I supposed to do?


I swear, someday I'm going to write my OWN book about parenting, and it's going to include such topics as:



  • What to do when your child is convinced his teacher is an alien

  • How to deal with a husband that goes on a business trip every time there's projectile vomiting

  • How to deal with a little boy who's hands won't stay off of his p**** (because it's stuck, he says (insert huge eye roll here...))

  • How to explain why breasts should NOT be refererred to as "milk ducts" in public, thank you very much

  • How to recover when your son asks your mother in law why she's a hypochondriac - 'cause Mom wonders what the H*** is wrong with her.

And if you give me a day I could probably come up with a few more chapter headings of things they don't cover in parenting books.


A famous woman I know (Jillsifer) once said "Parenthood isn't for sissies".  She's so right.


 


Mama, I'm just a factory of love!  Know why?  Because no matter how much love I make and give you, I'm always making more!  That's what a factory does, so I'm a Factory of Love! - Max

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."  - George Bernard Shaw

wonka's picture

(post #46660, reply #7 of 49)

You need to write a book. I just love reading your stories.

Jean's picture

(post #46660, reply #8 of 49)

Too too funny. Be sure to save all this stuff. Someday his wife will want to know why Max Jr. behaves the way he does.


Just precious!




They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
Sammy2's picture

(post #46660, reply #9 of 49)

At first, all I could think of was Calvin and Hobbs. (Your stories of Max always remind me of him).  But then, you added the "bullets" and numbers 3 & 4 slayed me.  Had I not finished my wine, it would have been spewed across the keyboard.


Thank heavens for little girls, (age 12), just hormones, no over obsessing about body parts.  Whew!  Periods are a piece of cake, erections, no thank you.


Max has been so much fun to follow from his conception till present.

Biscuit's picture

(post #46660, reply #16 of 49)

Oh, I have way better body-part stories than that!  They would curl your hair! (lol)  Seriously.  He is obsessed with know the  "why" and "how" of everything, and he rarely takes my word for anything unless I can show him in a book.

Mama, I'm just a factory of love!  Know why?  Because no matter how much love I make and give you, I'm always making more!  That's what a factory does, so I'm a Factory of Love! - Max

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."  - George Bernard Shaw

Aberwacky's picture

(post #46660, reply #24 of 49)

Gotta love the body parts stories.  We have some fun ones with the twins, and I'm sure Grant and Aidan will provide more.


I have to share this one, though: when Neal was about 5, they were singing the "Hokey Pokey" at his very religious daycare.  He was the last in the circle, and all the other body parts had been used, so his choice was, you guessed it, his ####.  Edited to say, the censoring was not mine.  Let's try this: p e n i s.


When the teacher called DH--shocked, just shocked, she was--he couldn't stop laughing long enough to talk to her.  He finally told her at least Neal used the right word for it!


Leigh



Cooking is messy.  Deal with it or stay out of the kitchen.


Edited 12/11/2006 8:47 am by Aberwacky

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them." 
-Leo Tolstoy
meowow's picture

(post #46660, reply #25 of 49)

OMG! That is hilarious, too!

This is a great thread!

Jean's picture

(post #46660, reply #26 of 49)

This one has to go in the Memoirs!!



They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
Biscuit's picture

(post #46660, reply #27 of 49)

Okay, now you guys are forcing me to pull out the coup de gras of p e n i s stories.


So - this back when Max was about 3, potty training time.  And he finally realized that girls sit down to use the bathroom while boys don't.  Why?  he asks, to which I patiently tell him that girls have to sit down because they don't have a p e n i s.  He thought about that a while, and then said, completely disbelievingly, "That's ridiculous, Mama!  Of COURSE they have a p e n i s!  How else would they be able to pee?"


Please understand that at this time my dear husband is over in the War Zone doing Mr. Bush's bidding, so - not home to deal with this.


Now, I tried.  Over the course of a few months I tried very patiently to explain that girls do not have a P****, that we pee differently, etc.; I did everything but show him.  No dice.  He just didn't believe me, and he was determined to prove me wrong.  He would actually go up to strange women in the grocery store or my friends at PTA meetings and ask to see their P****, or when my neighbor had to change her daughters diaper he raced to watch so he could see HER P****.  Of course, it goes without saying that any time I was in the bathroom he would race in there and try to get as close as he could so he could "see".  I had to start locking the door.  It was horrible.  Funny to all of you, I'm sure, but I was at my wits end.  I even got a book to show him - he refused to believe me.  He just thought it was unfathomable why they wouldn't have one.


So - finally, TG - DH's best friend called me and said he was coming into town for the weekend, and wanted to take Max out for the day.  Yay!  I explained to him what was going on and after he picked himself up off the ground from laughing at the thought of Max acccosting strange women and demanding to see their P****, he said he'd take care of it.


Day comes, Max goes off with him, they come back later, and Max says to me, very very seriously - "Mama - did you know that girls don't have a p e n i s?"


Just as seriously, "Yes, Baby, I did know that."


Shakes his head very sadly, "Isn't that the saddest thing you every heard in your whole life?"


*********************


He still, to this day, thinks it's very very sad that girls don't have one.  He's convinced they are missing out on something special.  (LOL)


Mama, I'm just a factory of love!  Know why?  Because no matter how much love I make and give you, I'm always making more!  That's what a factory does, so I'm a Factory of Love! - Max

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."  - George Bernard Shaw

Jean's picture

(post #46660, reply #29 of 49)

Our DGS at about that same age was giving me an anatomy lesson while he was on the pot. He named all his family members and explained who had one and who didn't -- ended up with "Dad has a #### too, and it's HUGE!" 


I didn't laugh, you would have been so proud of me.




They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
Aberwacky's picture

(post #46660, reply #30 of 49)

LOLOLOL!!!


How EVER did you manage not to laugh?  I don't think I could have.


Leigh


Cooking is messy.  Deal with it or stay out of the kitchen.

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them." 
-Leo Tolstoy
AnnL's picture

(post #46660, reply #32 of 49)

He still, to this day, thinks it's very very sad that girls don't have one.  He's convinced they are missing out on something special.


Sigh, they never change their mind about that, either, no matter how old they get.  <rolling eyes>


AnnL
Transitions Farm
Gardening, cooking, and riding
in Central Mass.

Ann
"The elders were wise.  They knew that man's heart, away from nature, becomes hard; they knew that lack of respect for growing, living things, soon led to lack of respect for humans, too."  Chief Luther Standing Bear, Lakota Sioux

Biscuit's picture

(post #46660, reply #34 of 49)

(G)  Trust me, I'm well aware of that!  It's obvious that this is a boy who most definitely needs a strong mother...

Mama, I'm just a factory of love!  Know why?  Because no matter how much love I make and give you, I'm always making more!  That's what a factory does, so I'm a Factory of Love! - Max

"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."  - George Bernard Shaw

Jean's picture

(post #46660, reply #35 of 49)

He's convinced they are missing out on something special


But most of them are all too willing to share. ;)




They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
MadMom's picture

(post #46660, reply #37 of 49)

Amen!  Reminds me of something which happened many many many years ago, I think long before I started to school.  A neighbor and her son had come to visit, and while the neighbor was inside talking to my Mom, son and I went out back to play.  After a while, he made a suggestion, and I had no idea what he was talking about, so I rushed into the house and in a child's loud voice, asked my Mom "Mother, where is my p e n i s?  Jo Neal said he would show me his if I would show him mine."  Needless to say, neighbor grabbed her son and took him home immediately.  I'm not sure if Mom stopped laughing long enough to explain the difference between boys and girls to me right then or not. 



Not One More Day!
Not One More Dime! Not One More Life! Not One More Lie!

End the Occupation of Iraq -- Bring the Troops Home Now!

And Take Care of Them When They Get Here!

StevenHB's picture

(post #46660, reply #45 of 49)

He still, to this day, thinks it's very very sad that girls don't have one.  He's convinced they are missing out on something special.


Sigh, they never change their mind about that, either, no matter how old they get.  <rolling eyes>


I, for one, am damned glad that DW has the parts that she has and not parts like mine!  They're, ahem, mating parts.



Without coffee, chocolate, and beer, in that order, life as we know it would not be possible

Without coffee, chocolate, and beer, in that order, life as we know it would not be possible
tiramisu's picture

(post #46660, reply #44 of 49)

My DS is best friends with my neighbhor's daughter (same age, same school, same aftercare etc) so they spend a lot of time together. About 2 years ago, he very casually announced that he knew that girls went to the bathroom differently - obviously they had exchanged notes and I reacted matter of factly and said that yeah boys and girls were different. Then a few months later DH took him to a public restroom in a theater and he came out and loudly announced that he "knew' he and his dad were both boys. "You know why?" he asked. I didn't want to know what he had seen especially because he had just come out of a restroom. He thriumphantly went ahead and said " because we both have short hair and boys have short hair and you have long hair". This was an observation he made while looking in the mirror as DH was making him wash his hands.

StevenHB's picture

(post #46660, reply #10 of 49)

re: How to deal with a little boy who's hands won't stay off of his p**** (because it's stuck, he says (insert huge eye roll here...))

Try some baby powder down there.




Without coffee, chocolate, and beer, in that order, life as we know it would not be possible


Edited 12/10/2006 10:18 pm ET by StevenHB

Without coffee, chocolate, and beer, in that order, life as we know it would not be possible
Jean's picture

(post #46660, reply #12 of 49)

At least his hands will smell nice. LOL



They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
StevenHB's picture

(post #46660, reply #11 of 49)

My 14-year-old daughter recently decided that I was having an affair with the woman who cuts my hair because I get my hair cut too often (every 6 or 7 weeks, regularly, because I schedule the next appointment each time I see her).  I laughed b/c I thought that it was funny.  DW gotted good and pissed off because DD wouldn't let it go (how dare you question your father like that?!?!?).


Part of the reason that I'm guilty is that I won't agree to change (I mean, why should I?) to someone else.  DD likes to be in charge.


OTOH, her absurd belief does suggest something about her insecurities.  We know a lot of people who are in the midst of divorces and there's been a faim amount of infidelity in those relationships (and DD is aware of it).



Without coffee, chocolate, and beer, in that order, life as we know it would not be possible

Without coffee, chocolate, and beer, in that order, life as we know it would not be possible
Jean's picture

(post #46660, reply #13 of 49)

Ah, I understand, even our grown children hate it when we  use the D word. They have  had enough of it in the families they married into.  We're joking, but they don't KNOW that. It never was an option.




They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
madnoodle's picture

(post #46660, reply #21 of 49)

We're joking, but they don't KNOW that


Yesterday at DS's 7th birthday party I said something about parents coming to pick their kids up (probably, "Hurry up!  Your parents are coming in half an hour!") and DH, ever the wise***, said "I wonder when {insert name of our kids here} real parents will get here to pick them up, then we can have some peace".   Seven sets of big eyes turned around to stare at him.  I'm not sure his repeated "I'm kidding!  I'm kidding!" convinced all of them.


Saskatchewan:  our mountain-removal project is nearly complete.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

collwen's picture

(post #46660, reply #23 of 49)

LOL!  Max sounds so cute and creative.  Good luck with your meeting with the teacher. 

CANDILADY's picture

(post #46660, reply #31 of 49)

I want an autographed copy of the book when it is finished.  Hurry up and write it because I am due mid-March with my first and I need all the help I can get!

monstersmom10's picture

(post #46660, reply #38 of 49)

Did I miss something, or did you just  never tell anyone?  CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

CANDILADY's picture

(post #46660, reply #49 of 49)

No, no, posted earlier about the up and coming event.  Thank you for the congrats!

Napie's picture

(post #46660, reply #42 of 49)

LMAO!!!  Just wait, mine is almost 21, you'll wish for these "problems" back again.  Do take the time to enjoy this, it passes all to fast.

Aberwacky's picture

(post #46660, reply #3 of 49)

LOL!!! What a wonderfully creative and intelligent mind--he put the evidence together in the only way that made sense to him.  Brilliant!


Leigh


Cooking is messy.  Deal with it or stay out of the kitchen.

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them." 
-Leo Tolstoy