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I am sooo mad...is it me???

Rhea's picture

Is it me? That is my question to you all...here goes.....


So, today is my dear Brother's birthday,for which my Mom-who is still working like a dog at her age prepared a lovely dinner for our family and my Uncle. I made a point to make some yummy cupcakes with a zillion sprinkles on them for my Brother and my nephew. My nephew made a cake with the SIL also.


Soooooooooooooooooo, I come in the door with my cupcakes and my SIL tells me to hide them so as not to take the thunder(her exact words) from my nephew's cake...no problemo...so I put them up on the top of the fridge for later when dessert time arrives.


After the meal when it  is cake time she forbids me to bring out the cupcakes(??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and tells me that she wants only my nephew's cake on the table. Can you feel the heat from the steam coming out of my ears yet????


While eating dessert, my Uncle is holding a spoon, and my SIL says very loudly..."OH, GO AHEAD AND LICK THE SPOON-NOBODY HERE HAS MANNERS ANYHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I was standing at the sink I just wanted to charge her like a line backer in the NFL!!!!!!!!!!


My Mother almost lost it! My Father was oblivious and my Uncle was mortified. When my brother approached me at the sink I told him I thought it was absolutely absurd that my dessert was not allowed on the table-and he just repeated her words. To which I replied that in the REAL world his son will be experiencing many a setback and disappointment, but that I really thought a three year old would surely get over the cupcakes being put on the table for dessert. Then my sarcastic side came out and I asked if he wanted me to get the Mounties to smuggle out the cupcakes to the car? LOL


When I told him that his wife's comments were, to say the least, insulting, he looked at me like I had a square head. After they left my Mother was very upset, and as you can read I am livid!


I really value everyone's opinion here...., so I ask you again....IS IT ME????????????? What would you have said or done???


 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

AmyElliesMom's picture

(post #46001, reply #1 of 71)

Well, to be honest, I'd let it slide. A three year old made a special cake for his daddy, and that really should be the star of the show. While you did put effort into the cupcakes, you are the grownup here.

Your SIL didn't come across with the kindest words, but her point, to me, is valid.

What I would have done, in her shoes, is say, after the cake was presented, ooohed and aaahed over, cut and eaten, was "Oh, and Rhea made some lovely cupcakes, too. They are right here on the counter if anyone would like one."

I know when I go to a birthday party, unless I'm asked, I don't bring dessert. I assume that the immediate family of the birthday-ee will take care of the cake. And his wife and son are your brother's immediate family now.

Now, if his son was 13 and not 3, then yeah, he could share some space on the table. But a 3 year old gets the spotlight to themselves.

I'm sure his wife really didn't mean any insult to you or your cupcakes; she was just really proud of her son and wanted to express her love for her husband and the father of her child.

As for her comments about manners, maybe she was making a really bad joke? Like "we're all laid back and family here" or something like that? I hope, anyway. I know I've said things like that with that meaning before.

 


I feel a recipe is only a theme, which an intelligent cook can play each time with a variation.

Madam Benoit

 

Save the Earth! It's the only planet with wine and chocolate.

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #3 of 71)

hey there!


I do agree that his cake should be the spotlight, but my SIL is just plain ignorant to my parents at most times, and her comments are never of the joking fashion....not the first time that she has made comments that have been insulting towards my family. I know it bothers my Brother,....as he usually will do the eye rolling thing....sad...the latest thing is her instructing us on how to speak to my nephew...i really try to just be pleasant, but when this crap happens I just want to lose it....


I had no intention of stealing his little thunder, and infact I really made the cupcakes for him..:)...the dinner was at my Mom's and I was asked to make a dessert....ugh, ....she just seems to always want to spoil any good times we have with our family....


 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

AmyElliesMom's picture

(post #46001, reply #6 of 71)

Oh, well, that completely changes things. If you were asked to make dessert, then she really had no right to ask you not to serve the cupcakes. Maybe to wait until after the cake was presented and "ta-da"'ed and all, but not to leave them in the kitchen.

Especially if this isn't the first time she's been cluelessly rude.

Next time, make vanilla cupcakes, so you can safely throw one at her, lol!

 


I feel a recipe is only a theme, which an intelligent cook can play each time with a variation.

Madam Benoit

 

Save the Earth! It's the only planet with wine and chocolate.

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #31 of 71)

...only one?????....LOL!!!!!! I was thinking the size of a wedding cake...LOL...oh and here is a lauhg that I almost forgot to mention....the cake that the SIL made was her own Mom's recipe and  was supposed to be kind of gooey in the middle...it wasn't..............the funniest thing was that my Dear Brother must have said atleast 4 o5 times in one way or another..." this cake was different when your mom made it...her's was nice and fudgy and runny in the middle...LMAO!!!


I was killing myself inside with laughter as I knew it was just overbaked...!!! 


Edited 8/28/2006 8:35 am ET by Rhea

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

mer's picture

(post #46001, reply #2 of 71)

It sounds like this isn't the first time that you have felt slighted by your SIL.  She seems odd.


Edited to add:  If it were my house, I would have put the cake made by the 3 year old in the most advantageous place of honor, and the cupcakes next to it.  I would have fawned over the cake, but served them both. 


I would have been insulted if my cupcakes were only offered once everybody was full from dessert.  Now, this was a family party, not some formal event, so what's one more dessert?  It seems from her reaction that you SIL was offended somehow by you showing up with dessert.  Is she normally like that when surprised?


Edited 8/25/2006 9:02 pm ET by MER

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #4 of 71)

I was not allowed to bring them to the table UNTIL THEY LEFT!!! And this was at my MOMS!!!! UGH!!!!

 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

HammerHarry's picture

(post #46001, reply #37 of 71)

There is one big lesson to learn from this:  your brother does not need, and apparently does not want, anything from you for his birthday.  So, don't bother.  Ever again.  Yes, his son's cake should be the star attraction, but a celebration is supposed to be just that...if SIL is so self centered, then I suggest that you, and mom, invite yourselves to their place next year.  SIL can cook for you all.

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #43 of 71)

..."SIL can cook for you all."


LMAO....my brother does all the cooking so if she cooked it would be a bean salad-you know the recipe....


1. buy three cans of beans


2. open three cans of beans


3. add some salad dressing


4. call it a salad!


5. UGH! 


 


 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

marie-louise's picture

(post #46001, reply #5 of 71)

She has a point. But rude and right-that's infuriating!!! It is also not her home. I know you are all family, but excuse me, since when is it okay to direct what, when, where, and why something is or isn't served at the table of her own MIL?

Thinking outside the box-you could have sent everyone home w/ a bag w/ a few cupcakes "so we can continue to celebrate his birthday tomorrow." Like a party favor...

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #30 of 71)

:) I did send them home with some...it would have been nice if she had my nephew call me to tell me how much he loved it,...guess my expectations for her are just far too high...geez

 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

CANDILADY's picture

(post #46001, reply #7 of 71)

You should buy her one of those kids books on learning manners and send it to her in a plain package without a return address.  Put a sticker on the book "Get the Hint".  She sounds a little jealous of you and a control freak if she is instructing you on how to speak to your nephew (unless of coarse you are trying to teach him to curse in 6 languages)

Jillsifer's picture

(post #46001, reply #9 of 71)

buy her one of those kids books on learning manners and send it to her in a plain package without a return address


Candilady is absolutely right. And if you need an anonymous volunteer to do the deed, give me a shout.


 


 

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

-- Washington Irving

Jillsifer's picture

(post #46001, reply #8 of 71)

I would have found a way to make a bit of a fuss over the child's effort, but the LASTING lesson I would want my kid to take away is that everybody's contributions are welcome and valuable.


Don't get me started on self-centered kids with a finely honed sense of entitlement . . . but if you multiply this episode over a whole childhood, it's no suprise that half of them think the entire universe revolves around their activities.


She's not doing the child any good, and I think you have every right to be hurt and mad. (That said, though, I hope you're feeling better and spending tonight with somebody who appreciates you?)


 


 

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

-- Washington Irving

Canuck's picture

(post #46001, reply #11 of 71)

ITA with your whole post.


And what 3-year-old is going to protest that both cake and cupcakes are available for dessert?

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #32 of 71)

...spent that night venting to the new BF who has met her...he has a SIL who is a clone, so we compared notes...:)!

 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

Wolvie's picture

(post #46001, reply #10 of 71)

wow.

Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and to whatever abysses nature leads, or you shall learn nothing.


THOMAS HENRY HUXLEY,  September 23, 1860.


 

 

pamilyn's picture

(post #46001, reply #12 of 71)

That is absolutely ridiculous. I'm sure the kid would be really bummed out with cupcakes on the table with a gazillion sprinkles. I would have put them out regardless of what she said (I think) LOL. I would be mad too. I don't understand the comments about no manners though. Since when is it not mannerly to lick your spoon? Did I miss something in my manners lessons????? Pamilyn

The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls

The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls

MadMom's picture

(post #46001, reply #13 of 71)

Well, when Emeril licks the spoon, then sticks it back into the pot, that does sort of gross me out.  Seriously, I think the adults need to start acting like adults.  Obviously the 3-year old helped bake the cake and he deserved to be proud of it.  Just as obviously, he should never have been upset to see more deserts brought out...unless everyone tasted his cake and went "Yuck" and gobbled up the cupcakes.


Frankly, no one has mentioned this, but why on earth would the mother have asked Rhea to bring dessert if she knew it was the son's birthday and the grandson was baking a birthday cake?  Sounds to me like she was the one at the greatest fault here.




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Not One More Dime! Not One More Life! Not One More Lie!

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transona5's picture

(post #46001, reply #14 of 71)

" when Emeril licks the spoon, then sticks it back into the pot"

I've noticed he finally stopped doing that (after how many years?). He now takes the wooden spoon he stirs with to dip in and then pours it into a teaspoon to taste, which is then discarded into the sink.

 

 

Jillsifer's picture

(post #46001, reply #15 of 71)

Seriously, I think the adults need to start acting like adults. 


Yeah, and will ALL the food-show hosts (including the sainted Ming) KINDLY stop talking with food in their mouths???? Jeeeezzz, that makes me sick.


 


 

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

-- Washington Irving

SallyBR1's picture

(post #46001, reply #16 of 71)

I hear you....

and, if we are going to continue on the subject of manners, at every single freaking meeting we go, in which we eat with a bunch of people, it never fails: more than 50% push the food around the table with the finger

It absolutely drives me NUTS!

 


 


"Her shimmyshaky is much better than her chimichurri"
(Glenys, June 2006)

pamilyn's picture

(post #46001, reply #18 of 71)

You mean push food around the plate don't you? Pamilyn

The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls

The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls

SallyBR1's picture

(post #46001, reply #19 of 71)

Something is definitely not right with me today

I guess I better walk back to the corner and stand in line for some bubbly

 


 


"Her shimmyshaky is much better than her chimichurri"
(Glenys, June 2006)

Jillsifer's picture

(post #46001, reply #20 of 71)

When Gillen was little, I ran a fairly tough manners boot camp. The in-laws thought I was so brutal making that poor child use a spoon, placing a napkin on his lap, forcing him to say "please," etc., etc. I was constantly in trouble with Maw Clampett for being "too hard" on him. I didn't demand perfection when he was tiny, but neither did I tolerate savage behavior at the table (there IS a middle ground).


He's the second-youngest of their seven grandchildren (not counting steps, who come and go depending on my former husband's marital status) and the ONLY one who knows how to act in public (including NOT ordering the chicken nuggets in a dressy restaurant). He's also the only one who instinctively reaches for a FORK instead of just grabbing his food with his fingers.


NOW guess who's forever asserting bragging rights about her "klaaaaasssseeeee" grandson. Yup, she of the extended pinkie. She LOVES to boast about his deportment. In fairness, she does people that G's Mother went to a "klaassseee" finishing school (which I decidedly did NOT--I'm a public-school rat whose parents were PAYING ATTENTION) and that he was taught well from the start. But it still chaps my hide to hear her crow over something she tried to prevent.


 


 


 

Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

-- Washington Irving

pamilyn's picture

(post #46001, reply #17 of 71)

Well yeah that is gross but Rhea didn't say anything about him sticking the spoon back into the cake. Pamilyn

The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls

The purpose of Art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #33 of 71)

...My Mom was originally going to bake a cake,...then the SIL said she "might" bake one with my nephew...then she said they were going to bake it and give it to my brother the NEXT night...so it was decided that I would bring the dessert...whew!!!!:)

 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

Wolvie's picture

(post #46001, reply #28 of 71)

for myself, other than agreeing with Rhea, I would be amazed if a 3 year old even cared if something else hit the table. :-)

Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and to whatever abysses nature leads, or you shall learn nothing.


THOMAS HENRY HUXLEY,  September 23, 1860.


 

 

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #29 of 71)

Thank- you for all your advice...and laughs!!!!


Well, after reading all the replies here I thought I would add some more juicy details...My Uncle, who sometimes does not have the best of table manners, ,to my knowledge did not put the spoon back and do the double dip thing(whew)!!!! 


My SIL does come from a crazy disfunctional family, but then again mine has stories movies  are made of...my SIL ...IMO was and has always been envious of how close we are as a family..my parents went out of their way when they met her to bring her into our family, and because I so love my Brother even though I saw early signs of issues to come, I did everything I could(including almost biting off my tongue sometimes) to try and make her feel part of the family. Like many of us here, I can be the most loving of anyone,accepting their faults,... trying to focus on the positive, but when a person comes into a family and starts to treat them with little or a times no respect, that is when my tolerance level is pushed to the complete MAX...


In my heart I know that she is the way she is in part due to an unpleasant upbringing, but at what point does one, at the adult stage say..."hey, life may have been the sh***, but I'm an adult now and what will I do to ensure I live my life as a whole human being?"


I have tried in the past to sit with her and be honest about how her actions make me feel, and I usually get blank stares...many times my parents are fearful to approach her behaviour head on for fear that she will limit their time with my nephew( how sad...). But the other side of that coin is that she is not held accountable for her actions and we all know what happens when it's a child,....it's just compounds with an adult....


Not too long ago ,while at their home for dinner, my nephew was not in any hurry to brush his teeth....when my brother was that age, my Mom almost had to hog tie him to the sink....at some point, my Mom(who has had problems with her teeth, being very weak, since she was a child)...left the room.


This is what my SIL said to my nephew..." you better brush your teeth or your teeth will end up looking like Grandma's......My mouth just dropped and I almost had to look for the REPLAY button...DID SHE JUST SAY THAT???????????? I just wanted to drag that thing down and knock out every tooth in her mouth!!! So, fair to say she just has a combo platter of no respect for my family,and no class.


When I saw the cake that my nephew baked I almost cried with joy....one of my fondest memories of growing up was baking with my Grandmothers, so when I saw his little face light up as he grabbed my hand to show me,.....I had no prob letting him have as much glory as humanly possible. In my mind I just could not wait to see his face light up when I put a cupcake down in front of him....he just loves all those damn sprinkles!!!! OK...so do I...LOL....


Looking back now, what I should have done is what many of you had said....waited until he presented his cake and cut...etc. and then just put my treats on the table....If SIL did not like it then let her legs carry her carcass out the door....!!! After my Mom and I spoke about her comment, we both agreed that my Mom should have addressed it right then and there......it would not have solved her issues, but it would have made her accountable and probably embarassed her...what a shame...LOL


Now, here is another one for you....just after their wedding my Dad suffered a horrible breakdown. I wish I could describe it , but words even after the past few years just can't begin to find a starting point...the stress of the wedding did not help....her parents are divorced and both remarried and refused to even sit in the same room together to plan anything...Her wonderful(and I use that term very loosely)Father was slow to even offer any money but was pretty fast with his list of people to invite.....it was the wedding from hell, and I had to watch it eat away at my parents...heartbreaking......so fast forward to a few months ago....


My Aunt( Dad's sister) was taking a class with her SIL and there was this loud mouth idiot in the class that just continued to be obnoxious throughout the classes as they progressed....still with me???


One night, during a break in the class, my Aunt and her SIL hear this man start to talk to another woman in the class at the front of the room about his daughter, and how she married this guy from a small town. Turns out he mentions that town and the woman says.." I know people there,..what is his name?" Idiot man, as I will call him,....states my brother's name and the woman replies....oh I know his parents and names my parent's names. My Aunt and her SIL ears perk up as this is her brother.


Then my SIL father says....."OH, THE MOTHER IS A B****,( along with some other choice words), ...AND THE FATHER IS NUTS AND HAD TO BE LOCKED IN A HOSPITAL....


I wish I could say what I would like to do to this piece of crap if he ever crosses my path again, but it would lower me to a level I will never go to....


My aunt called my Dad's brother who inturn told my Mother a few weeks back...After talking about it, we decided to not say anything to my Dad....he has come such a long way, and I will not hurt my Father like that with words that have come from a sow's A**. What we have decided to do is tell my Brother and then let hime do with the info as he chooses...I just think that while my brother will be hurt, he needs to know that every time he sits across the table from that pile of dung, he will be reminded of the words that came out of his mouth about his father....***What would you do?????***


I guess it's fair to say, like Father, like Daughter in this case...no?


While my parents are not perfect(who is for bloody sakes?), and gas may pass or a belch may come out without warning at an innappropriate time in her company,....I look at them and see two people who  I wish at their age now, could sit back and retire without a care in the world. I see them bend over backwards to make right with the world and I hear their friends of many years back, speak of them with the highest of regards about the things in life that really truly matter.


It crosses my mind that maybe she is just so unhappy that it is almost impossible for her to be at peace with herself and nearly a feat unto itself for her to watch others enjoy life's simple slices of happiness.


 I can "eat crow" as my Father says on many occasion, but when she continues to disrespect my family, I just find my crow-eating quota has been reached!!!!! 


discuss...


 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...

mer's picture

(post #46001, reply #36 of 71)

oh boy, she's nuts. Try to stay away from her, but keep the connection open to the nephew. Your brother must be going through hell being married to her. Don't ask him to apologise for everything she does. I doubt that he can take it. I am sure that he is at his wits end and doesn't know what to do.

Rhea's picture

(post #46001, reply #42 of 71)

I am sure he is at wits end, but then again she was this way when they married....I so love my brother with all my heart and it just breaks that while he cannot (and I don't hold him to) be responsible for her actions, it bothers me that he ALLOWS them to come between him and us....when we try to make her accountable and he does or says nothing then we always come out looking like turds!.:)

 a wise woman once said you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince.. my lips are sore...p.s. but I finally found one!!!

I can't even afford the lifestyle I don't want...