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Food For Thought?

MNChicago's picture

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you are obessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the line so we can trace your call.


If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be trransferred to the mother ship.


If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.


If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.


If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.


If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.


If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and you mother's maiden name.


If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.


If you have a short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have a short-term memory loss, press 9.


If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.  All operators are too busy to talk to you.

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #1 of 403)

Count the number of 'F's in the following text.


(No cheating!)


 


FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.


 


How many?


 


 


Three?


 


 


No.  Six


 


 


Read again.


 


 


FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF sCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.


 


 


Reasoning:


 


The brain cannot process the word "OF."


 


Anyone who counts all six 'F's on the first
go is a genius.  Three is normal.

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #2 of 403)

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.


What occurs more often in December than any other month?  Conception.


If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until yoiu would find the letter "A"?   One thousand.


What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?  All were invented by women.


What is the only food that doen't spoil?
Honey.


In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes the matress tightened, making the bed frame firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase, "Goodnight, sleep tight."


It was accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer, and beause their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, or what is known today as the honeymoon.


In English pubs, ale is ordered by the pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.  It is where we get the phrase, "Mind your P's and Q's."


In Scotland, a new game was invented.  It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden, and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.


In ancient England, a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King.  When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King.  The King gave them a placard that they hung up on their door while they were having sex.  The placard had F***, Fornication Under Consent of the King on it.  Now you know where that came from.

Adele's picture

(post #41072, reply #6 of 403)

How neat! Haven't seen this list before.

But, but, its SUPPOSED to taste like that!

But, but, it's SUPPOSED to taste like that!

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #7 of 403)

Then here is another...


Subject:  Learn Korean in 5 minutes (Best read out loud)


1) That's not right.........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive......Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...........................Kum Hia
4) Stupid man..............................Dum Gai
5) Small horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.............Wai Yu so Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.........Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here................Wao so dim
10) I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...........No Pah King
12) Our meeting is for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight.................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.....Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive......Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great!....................................Fa Kin Su Pah


 


Edited 6/25/2003 11:34:09 PM ET by MNChicago

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #8 of 403)

Only by accident.


I was not sure what you meant...until now.


 


Thank you.

Jean's picture

(post #41072, reply #9 of 403)

Copied for the amusement of our old timers picnic on Saturday..


But it will be in the form of a test. Only I will know the answers. :) thanks.


Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #10 of 403)

Words women use...


FINE
This is the word we men use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut up.  NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks.  This will cause you to have one of those arguments.


FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the last five minutes that a football
game takes to finish before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.


NOTHING
If you ask her what is wrong and she says "Nothing," this means something,
and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and
backwards.  "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine."


GO AHEAD  (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare.  One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end in the word "Fine."


GO AHEAD  (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care."
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed
by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five minutes"
when she cools off.


LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very much
misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there
and arguing with you over "Nothing."


SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.  "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand.  She is content.  Your best bet
is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man.  "That's Okay" means she wants to think long and hard before paying
you back for whatever it is you have done.


"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction
with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead."  At some point in the near future after
she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in for some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO
This is not a statement.  It is an offer.  A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is you have done.  You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful,
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."


THANKS
A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint; just say you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks."  A woman will say "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have hurt her
in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."  Be
careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only
tell you "Nothing."

RuthWells's picture

(post #41072, reply #11 of 403)

          A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
          skyclouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
         
          "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
          I will grant you one desire."

          The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."


          The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think
          of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
          required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
          take! It will nearly exhaust several of my beautiful natural resources. I can
          do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
          more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

         The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,

         "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how
          she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
          why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I
          can make a woman truly happy."


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 



          The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Ruth Wells


"Gardening is the only unquestionably useful job."
 - G.B. Shaw

Ruth Wells

"Gardening is the only unquestionably useful job."
 - G.B. Shaw

www.lemonade-and-kidneys.blogspot.com

www.ruthssweetpleasures.com

http://www.pkdcure.org/Default.aspx?TabI...

dixieleigh's picture

(post #41072, reply #12 of 403)

Love this!

 


 

 

 

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #13 of 403)

ADVANCED MATHEMATICS


 


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS AND STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who finds such a man.



HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.




PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.




DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next!"  They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


 


 


 


 


 

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #14 of 403)

There are two words in the English language that have all
five vowels in order:


abstemious


facetious

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #15 of 403)


Back in the 1500s...

-- Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

--Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women, and finally the children; last of all, the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it ---- hence the
saying, "Don't throw out the baby with the bath water."

--Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs,
cats, and other small animals (eg. mice rats, and bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained, it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip
and fall off the roof -- hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

Therewas nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt--
hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help
keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece
of wood was placed in the entry way -- hence, a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for
dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, and then start
over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there
for quite awhile -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests, and all would sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood
with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from
stale paysan bread, which was so old and hard that they could use them or
quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times, worms and
mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy
trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." This one also makes one wonder
about Benedick in Shakespeare's "Much Ado about Nothing": When Beatrice
calls him "A valiant trencherman," we know she means that he likes to eat a
lot, but given this fact, perhaps her dig is even deeper than his enjoyment
of a big meal. Perhaps he's not very fussy about what he eats, and one
wonders what kind of breath someone with "trench mouth" would have...?

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf; the family got the middle; and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock a person out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take the person for dead and prepare him/her for burial. The
"corpse" would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and
the family would gather around the "corpse" and eat and drink, waiting to
see if the person would wake up---hence the custom of holding a "wake."

Since England is old and small, they started out running out of places to
bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When they reopened these coffins, one out
of 25 coffins would be found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they decided to tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would sit out in the graveyard all
night after the funeral (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; and
thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or be considered a "dead
ringer."

ashleyd's picture

(post #41072, reply #17 of 403)

These are all amusing stories but only some are true, some are false and some merely apocryphal!

If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
--James Michener

Age is unimportant unless you’re a cheese.

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #18 of 403)

I know. 


It is "Food For Thought?" not "Food For Thought!"



Rest assured, however, the following two are true.


 


HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2035


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the 7th largest country in the world, California.


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.


Spotted owl plague threatens northwestern U S crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.


Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Southeby's for $2.6 million.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle
East (formally known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).


Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


Castro finally dies at age 112.


Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned
all smoking.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $16.87 and reduces mail delivery to
Wednesday only.


35 year study: diet and exercise key to weight loss.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Upcoming NFL draft to focus on use of mutants.


Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal laws require that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and
rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


 


 


TWELVE PRIESTS


Twelve priest were about to be ordained.  The final test was for them to line up in
a straight row, totaly naked, in a garden while a beautiful, nude model danced before
them.  Each priest had a small bell attached to his private, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had
not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.  She proceeded
down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final one.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell to the ground.


Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up.


Then, all the other bells started to ring...


 


 


Edited 6/29/2003 10:54:10 AM ET by MNChicago


Edited 6/29/2003 10:56:03 AM ET by MNChicago

PeterDurand's picture

(post #41072, reply #19 of 403)

Love it. Thanks.

Peter

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #23 of 403)

Never let anyone say you don't know Jack Schitt.


Who is Jack Schitt anyway?


Jack is the only son of O Schitt, the fertilizer magnate. O Schitt married
Awe Schitt, who later ran  Kneedeep N Schitt, Inc.  In turn, Jack Schitt
married Noe Schitt, and togther they produced six children.  Holy Schitt
passed on shortly after birth.  Next came the twins, Deep Schitt and
Dip Schitt, then two other daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt.  Their
last child was Bull Schitt.


Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.


After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt
remaried Mr Sherlock, and because of her kids living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name.  She became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood, and
they subsequently  married the Happens brothers in a duel ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper was the "Schitt-Happens"
wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt,
and Horace Schitt. 

Bull Schitt traveled the world and came home with a lovely Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.


So now, whenever someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #24 of 403)

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men :
gained weight
talked excessively without making sense
became overly emotional
couldn't drive
failed to think rationally
argued over nothing
And refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

MadMom's picture

(post #41072, reply #25 of 403)

Sounds like pure testosterone to me.



Not One More Day!
Not One More Dime! Not One More Life! Not One More Lie!

End the Occupation of Iraq -- Bring the Troops Home Now!

And Take Care of Them When They Get Here!

Risottogirl's picture

(post #41072, reply #26 of 403)

Tee Hee


ITA!


I was 32 when I started cooking; up until then, I just ate
Julia Child

Water is a great ingredient to cook with, it has such a neutral flavor - Bobby Flay

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #27 of 403)

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/


 


 


Edited 4/6/2005 9:11 am ET by MNChicago

Edited 4/6/2005 9:12 am ET by MNChicago


Edited 4/6/2005 9:16 am ET by MNChicago

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #28 of 403)

Too much testosterone?


 


The other side:


He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.                                                                                                   She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? >
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."


__________________
RuthWells's picture

(post #41072, reply #29 of 403)

Some beauties in there!

Ruth Wells


"Gardening is the only unquestionably useful job."
 - G.B. Shaw

Ruth Wells

"Gardening is the only unquestionably useful job."
 - G.B. Shaw

www.lemonade-and-kidneys.blogspot.com

www.ruthssweetpleasures.com

http://www.pkdcure.org/Default.aspx?TabI...

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #30 of 403)

***NEWS FLASH***


 


MICHAEL JACKSON attempted suicide by jumping off his private yacht


at sea.  Rescue searchers report he is safe and well after they found him


bobbing up and down on a small bouy.


 


 


_______________________


 


They Way You Make Me Feel?


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/nervercoppedafeel.html


 

(Don't know how to make the link "hot?")

Edited 4/8/2005 9:17 am ET by MNChicago

Edited 4/8/2005 9:18 am ET by MNChicago


Edited 4/11/2005 3:40 pm ET by MNChicago

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #31 of 403)

Monday  11 April 2005


 


While sitting, make clockwise circles with your right foot.


Once in motion, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.


 


Your foot will automatically change direction.


 


_____________


 


The paomnnehil pweor of the hmuan mnid.


 


Aoccdrnig to  rscheearch at Cmabrdige Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in


waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the


frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a total mses,


and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.  Tihs is bcuseae the huamn


mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Syrah's picture

(post #41072, reply #32 of 403)

It annoys me to no end, but it is correct. I can read it with no problem.

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off"
Gloria Steinem

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and, above all, confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be obtained." -Marie Curie

ashleyd's picture

(post #41072, reply #35 of 403)

And, sadly, I can still see the spelling mistakes!


“In victory you deserve Champagne, in defeat you need it.”
Napoleon Bonaparte

Age is unimportant unless you’re a cheese.

Jean's picture

(post #41072, reply #36 of 403)

And that's important.

Veni, vidi, velcro        I came,  I  saw,  I stuck around.


http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

A  clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/
help to provide free mammograms for women in need
TracyK's picture

(post #41072, reply #37 of 403)

Wasn't this whole word thing debunked? I recall this being posted here before... and it had something to do with the two- and three-letter words not changing at all, and most of the other words only transposing two letters per syllable or something like that....

MNChicago's picture

(post #41072, reply #38 of 403)

How does one make a link "active?"


 


TIA

Gretchen's picture

(post #41072, reply #39 of 403)

Just post it and it will be done automatically when posted.

Gretchen

Gretchen