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Got elk? or almond milk?

kai_'s picture

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Postings from a Web Forum somewhere, & one of the funniest e-mails I've received in awhile! Enjoy.........

Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1318 of 1332)
Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away
from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.

AmyC - 01:02pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1319 of 1332)
Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?

Anne V - 01:12pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1320 of 1332)
They're inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant
incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside of it,
and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming out. One of them is
snoring. I have company arriving in three hours, and my current plan is
to 1. put up a tent over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips
inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.

AmyC - 01:19pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1321 of 1332)
Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs
inside? Given the situation, I'm afraid you're not going to be create
enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the carrion, unless they like
greeting company as much as they like rolling around in dead stuff. Which
seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?

Ase Innes-Ker - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1322 of 1332)
I'm sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me
crazy), but it is also incredibly funny.

Anne V - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1323 of 1332)
Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and
so forth. They aren't rolling. They are alternately napping and eating.
They each have a ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside.
It's all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At
someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and began to refuse
to come out. Many hours ago. I think that the hose mostly helps keep them
cool and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed. My new hope
is that if they all continue to eat at this rate, they will be finished
before the houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, ghod - I
know it's funny. It's appalling, and funny, and completely entirely
representative of life with dogs.

Kristen R. - 01:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1324 of 1332)
I'm so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk.

Anne V - 01:41pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1325 of 1332)
It's like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs
around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as well as
on, each dog at this point.

Elizabeth K - 01:57pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1328 of 1333)
Anne, aren't you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I'm so
confused!We definately need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in the elk
carcass.

Anne V - 02:03pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1329 of 1333)
I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes.
There are elk all over the damn place. They don't look out very often. If
you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to the top and look out, all
>red. Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to
really see them. So I think there will not be pictures.

CoseyMo - 02:06pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1330 of 1333)
"all red;" I'm not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne in
upon me till I saw that little phrase.

Anne V - 02:10pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1331 of 1333)
Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog,
naturally, and infamous for it's aversion to water. And then, Gus Pong
(who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a terrific reverb which
is making me a little dizzy) really doesn't mind water, but hates to be
cold. Or soapy. And both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph
have been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning
them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is not going
to be, shall we say, pleasant.

CoseyMo - 02:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1332 of 1333)
What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab them
when they do and pull?

Anne V - 02:18pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1333 of 1333)
They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before
we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake nearly
took my friends arm off. He's already short a toe, so he cherishes the 15
that remain.

Linda Hewitt - 02:30pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1336 of 1356)
Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come
pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If
anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some
money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.

ChristiPeters - 02:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1337 of 1356)
Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend's dog (the
escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When there was no
road kill convenient, he would visit the neighbor's house. Said neighbor
slaughtered his own beef. The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys
in the neighbor's trash pit. I have always had medium to large dogs. The
smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured out at just
above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog (daughter's choice) is
a Pomeranian. A very small Pomeranian. She's 8 months old now and not quite
4 pounds. I'm afraid I'll break her.

Lori Shiraishi - 02:38pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1338 of 1356)
Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass!
Anne - my condolences on what must be a unbelievable situation!

Anne V - 02:44pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1339 of 1356)
I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says
a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no,
there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to
stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost
surrendered to the absurdity of it.

Lori Shiraishi - 02:49pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1340 of 1356)
>"He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he can
fall down laughing in person?

Anne V - 02:50pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1341 of 1356)
Basically, yeah. That would be about it.

AmyC - 02:56pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1342 of 1356)
>no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog."
Oh, sweet lord, Anne. You have my deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the
most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a woman of
superhuman patience. wait -- you carried the carcass down from the
mountains with the dogs inside?

Anne V - 02:59pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1343 of 13

nihon_no_cook's picture

(post #57238, reply #1 of 20)

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OMG, Kai, that is the most repulsive mental image I have had in a long time. And I thought our weimaraner who rolled in dead fish was bad . . . this lady gets the award for hands-down-most-patient-person-with-animals I have ever heard of in my life. I would have pitched the elk, the dogs, and quite possibly the husband and neighbor and vet over the back fence and run screaming for the hills. Geez!

Cooking_Monster's picture

(post #57238, reply #2 of 20)

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ROTFLMAO. That that has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in my entire life. Thanks for sharing it kai!

Jean_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #3 of 20)

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Yes, what she said.

zally_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #4 of 20)

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Oh Kai, if this is anywhere near a typical posting, I wanna know where the website is!! Good Grief, Charlie Brown. But I do like the way this lady writes.

Sandra_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #5 of 20)

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Kai, I love it! This is one of the funniest (but god knows, truest) life-with-dog experiences I've ever read. Reminds me of the time our dog brought home a very ripe back half of Bambi's very late daddy -- that day I discovered untold new uses for Tiger Balm (for mitigating the ...ummm, aroma of well-aged road kill, baking soda (for deodorizing water-resistant mutt) and the joys of reverting to helpless girlish hysteria (useful for convincing municipal road crew to come take that damned thing away.)

I'd love to know where you found this. This deserves to be preserved in the canon of great animal stories!

kmkat_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #6 of 20)

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Apparently this one is so good it's making the rounds - I saw it on another bbs; the poster had received it in her e-mail that day. In her post it was attributed to "rec.pets". I tried some web-searching for "rec.pets'; it seems to be a newsgroup and I don't know how to access or join it. If this is any indication of typical content in that newgroup, I'd sure like to be able to follow it. Anyone know how to "join" a newsgroup?

Sandra_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #7 of 20)

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Well, at least it's food-related. Could we call this one "Remains of the Day"? Maybe sell the film rights, and Anthony Hopkins could take the role of the elk carcass...

zally_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #8 of 20)

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Don't you think that's a little risky, Sandra? He'd turn up his nose at the elk and the dogs and eat Anne.

CLS's picture

(post #57238, reply #9 of 20)

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You know, I really shouldn't eat my very late lunch when I read the messages on this forum. I think I'm going to be very, very ill...I agree with Nihon on this topic...

Sandra_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #10 of 20)

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Zally, let's NOT go there! (But hey, at least by the definitions of this twisted group, it's still food-related!)

zally_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #11 of 20)

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I apologize -- that
b was
unfunny. It's just that I never hear of or see Anthony Hopkins without visualizing Hannibal Lecter (?sp) and I'm sure that is a synapse that he neither wanted nor expected. Marvellous actor though, isn't he?

Sandra_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #12 of 20)

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Zally, actually it WAS funny, at least to my sicko mind. (Odd, isn't it? I think of A. Hopkins as the po-faced butler, you see Hannibal. Yes, he is a rather remarkable actor.)BTW and FWIW, our last cat was named Dave, largely because he was the world's least charismatic cat, but I always described him as looking just like Anthony Hopkins -- in both roles -- as a repressed robot, and as a neutered-but-still lecherous cannibal.

kai_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #13 of 20)

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Sorry to those who were offended. I thought it was very funny, mostly because of the phraseology of the hapless victim. Might also have something to w/the fact that I don't have dogs, only a cat--who also loves raw meat BTW.

I once knew how to sign on to some of those newsgroups (they are like alt.rec.pets or whatever, and are all over the place). This came from my g/f and I don't know where she got it, but it was from someone else not connected w/the forum. Like at least one of you, I'd love to join this group if the conversation is this well-turned, so to speak. I just liked a lot of her imagery ("de-elking" etc.).

Again, my apologies to those I offended.

kmkat_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #14 of 20)

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...neutered-but-still lecherous cannibal...

I don't think he was neutered. See Thomas Harris' latest tome, Hannibal, for the further adventures of Hannibal the Cannibal and Clarice.

And Kai, FWIW, I thought it was all very funny. No offense taken here.

nihon_no_cook's picture

(post #57238, reply #15 of 20)

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I hope you aren't thinking of me. Personally, I thought it was SO gross it was hilarious, and promptly copied it to send to various of my sick-minded brethren.

Surprise, surprise, I'm a Southpark fan, too.

Jean_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #16 of 20)

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The whole thing was an absolute riot. I took the chance of *offending* oodles of friends because I passed it on to lots of people. I don't think you owe anybody an apology. :~)

Sandra_'s picture

(post #57238, reply #17 of 20)

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Hi Kmkat -- sorry, neutered but lecherous referred to my cat (and I always picture Hannibal in that security contraption, so I guess my mental image of him is neutered, or at least contained, too.) BTW, did read Hannibal, don't think it's nearly as good or gripping as the original. I personally don't buy the Hannibal/Clarice love story for a moment! But that's another tangent...

Kai,I don't think you offended anyone! Besides, that's what IPKE's for -- wonderful, bizarre tangents. The squeamish can easily ignore the thread and go elsewhere.

Wolverine's picture

(post #57238, reply #18 of 20)

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Where are the "brains" for the sequel? Will Jodie Foster still star? You are too funny Sandra!;-)

Wolverine's picture

(post #57238, reply #19 of 20)

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Great show! Loved the movie!

nihon_no_cook's picture

(post #57238, reply #20 of 20)

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egads, I'm so far out of touch that I almost forgot about the movie!!!

btw, I uncovered a previously-unwatched tape of US tv shows last night, and was treated to an episode of SP I hadn't seen yet . . . last year's Halloween special, maybe, with the killer goldfish and the "Evil Cartman" with a goatee. Funny, funny stuff, even if the "Aunt Flo" stuff was a bit overdone.